Some lame jokes.

Two pretzels were walking down the street.
They were a-salted.

A guy walks into a bar
His alcohol dependency is ruining his family

a baby seal walks into a club...

2 tampons walking down the street. What do they say to each other?
Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts.

I got this awesome knock-knock joke...you start.
Try it, you'll be surprised the number of people who fall for it.

Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "I don't know how to drive this thing."

a man walks into a bar.... Ouch.

a pirate bursts into a bar with a ships wheel protruding from his pants.
he says: ARRRRRRRRRRR Its driving ME NUTS!

what did one new zealand statue say to the other?
"statchoo bro"

why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
(rim shot)

The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much

what's a pirate's favorite part of the human anatomy
The ARRRRRRRRRRReola

I just saw a comedian walking down the street, but he was really Harry Potter's godfather.


Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap." The second one says, "No soap, radio?"

Three bank robbers are running from the police and run into a potato factory. They each hide in a potato sack. The police arrive and see the bags are moving.
The police kick the first potato sack and the first robber says, "Meow Meow"
Police say, "Oh its just a cat"
They kick the second potato sack and the second robber says, "Bow Wow!"
Police say, "Oh it's just a dog"
They kick the third potato sack and the third robber says, "Potato, Potato!"

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

what did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
gee we really do taste like chicken

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

A guy is asleep on his couch
He hears a knock on the door, and gets up to answer it.
He looks down, and sees a snail. Pissed that this snail woke him up, he picks up the snail, and throws it.
There's another knock on the door. The man answers it, and it's the snail who says "What the hell was that all about?"

Did you hear about the two antenna that got married?
The wedding was okay, but the reception was Amazing.

Retard goes to ice cream van and asks driver "i'll have two ice creams" van driver say's "what flavour topping would you like?" Retard says "dont matter im gonna drop them anyway"

Nigger walks into a bar with a duck under his arm, the Bartender says "hey you can't have that thing in here" and the duck says "I tried to tell him that, the dumb nigger wouldn't listen"

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
She's a woman.

What's the difference between a Priest and acne?
Acne comes on a kid's face after he turns 13.

what's the difference between jam and marmalade???
i can't marmalade my cock up your ass.
where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies

2 muffins in an oven
one says to the other
"OMG WHERE IN AN OVEN!"
the other turns around and says
"OMG A TALKING MUFFIN!"

What's green and red and goes 1000 mph?
A frog in a blender.

why does the virgin mary look sad?
she wanted a girl

A man says to his doctor, "Doc, I cant stop singing "She's A Lady."
The doctor replies, "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me."
The man says, "Is it common?"
The doctor replies, "It's not unusual."

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!"

guy's at the hospital, the doctor says
"I have good news and bad news"
guy- "gimme the bad news"
doctor- "you have three days left to live"
guy - " what the hell is the good news?!"
doctor - "we're naming the disease after you"

What goes 99-clump. 99-clump?
A centipede with a wooden leg.

there's a family of tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a papa tomato and a baby tomato, and the baby tomato starts to lag behind and papa tomato gets really angry, so he squishes him and says "ketchup."

A thief who stole a calendar got.....
twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became....
a hardened criminal.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was.....
on shaky ground.
A dentist and a manicurist fought.....
tooth and nail.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger....
Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was....
resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a.....
little behind in his work.
The dwarf fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a.....
small medium at large.

Why don't you put a baby in the blender head first?
Because you can't see his expression on the way down.